Most people assume confidence means being loud, outgoing or naturally fearless, but in reality it is far more subtle and personal than that.
When clients come to me for confidence coaching, they are often surprised to learn that confidence isn’t something you either have or don’t have. It’s a skill, a mindset and a way of relating to yourself. Here are some of the surprising things about confidence that most people never realise.
One of the biggest surprises is that confident people are often quiet. We grow up with the idea that confidence is loud and attention grabbing, but many of the most self assured people you’ll ever meet speak softly, listen more than they talk and have a calm presence. When you’re truly confident, you don’t need to prove yourself. You don’t need to know everything. You trust that whatever happens, you can count on yourself. This can feel incredibly reassuring for people who think their personality doesn’t fit the stereotype of confidence. You do not need to become someone else to feel confident. You just need to build a stronger relationship with yourself.
Another of the surprising things about confidence is that it grows the most when life is difficult. Confidence doesn’t come from success, praise or certainty. It’s built in the moments when you fall down, fail or face setbacks and choose to try again. Think back to early childhood. When you learnt to walk, you fell an average of seventeen times an hour. You didn’t question yourself or decide you weren’t cut out for it. You simply stood up and kept going. That resilience, that natural determination, is part of your DNA. Over time, self doubt and criticism can block this confidence, but it never disappears. Each time you overcome a challenge, even a small one, you rebuild the confidence that is already within you.
Here are three of the most surprising things about confidence that people often misunderstand:
Confident people are often quiet
When you’re truly confident, you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone and you don’t need all the answers. You don’t need to dominate a room or be the loudest voice. You know you can rely on yourself.
You gain confidence when you’re losing
Confidence is built when life is hard. It grows when you fail, get back up, and overcome obstacles. It is strengthened through resilience, not perfection.
You can’t lose your confidence
You are only blocked from feeling it. You were born with confidence and there is nothing defective or missing in you. Your natural confidence may feel hidden, but it is still there. Coaching helps you uncover the thoughts that are getting in the waay.
You build your confidence when you fail
Confidence isn’t created on the good days, it’s built when you fail and try again, overcome obstacles and bounce back.
It’s impossible to lose your confidence
You were born with confidence . When you learnt to walk, you fell over an average of 17 times an hour. That resilience and skill you had to push through defeat and overcome obstacles is hardwired into your DNA, but along the way it just got blocked and you are having trouble accessing it right now. You Are confident, you just have to tap back into it.
One of the most surprising things about confidence is that action comes before confidence, not the other way around. So many people wait until they feel confident before they speak up, apply for a new job or launch a business idea. But confidence is built through doing, not waiting. Your willingness to try is the real definition of confidence. Even small actions create momentum and help you feel more capable.
This is why structured confidence coaching can be so powerful. It focuses on rebuilding the confidence that is already part of you and strengthening the mindset that helps you feel grounded and capable. Coaching gives you the opportunity to understand your thoughts, develop self belief and learn practical mindset tools that support you long term.
How can you increase your confidence?
If you would like to work on building your confidence, I run two confidence programmes. Confident You supports personal confidence, helping you feel more comfortable in yourself and more capable in everyday life. Confident You in the Workplace focuses specifically on professional confidence, communication and visibility. Both programmes include four sessions and teach you the mindset tools you need to feel more secure, grounded and self assured. I also run a coaching for teenagers programme which helps young people develop confidence, resilience and emotional awareness.